Rhino's Ramblings: Carbon is a Four-Letter Word

Robert Thomas

(Editor’s Note – this is an updated version of a highly topical and satirical column about the Carbon Tax.)

If there ever was a four-letter word that gets thrown around by politicians like a double-headed axe at a lumberjack convention it’s Carbon. More precisely, the tax the much despised Liberal government wants to inflict upon Saskatchewan’s struggling economy or so Premier Scott Moe likes to remind us.

For me this tax is a monumental conspiracy led by Lizzy May riding her electrically powered bicycle down the TransCanada at a blazing speed of 25 km an hour - albeit with a 55 km tailwind. Smiling as she enjoys the swaying trees of Thatcher Forest – between Moose Jaw and Regina - and the occasional gopher who quite frankly doesn't care nor vote anyhow. And even if gophers did vote they wouldn't settle for a Lizzie’s wave, they'd insist upon a selfie with Justin before casting their ballot.

It all sounds a little bit silly doesn't it? The sad thing is that ,these people are serious.

So what is this carbon stuff anyhow? For the sake of argument it's produced when burning fossil fuels. The more Carbon in the atmosphere the more heat is trapped raising temperatures. To stop this environmental catastrophe we need to reduce Carbon emissions. To do this we need a Carbon Tax to punish those who release too much Carbon. Or at least that's the theory.

Problem is it hits Saskatchewan’s economy hard and Premier Moe knows it as he grabs his best farming cap, an old Elvis 8-Track tape and heads eastward on the Quest For the Lost Intelligence in Ottawa.

But there are ways out of this Carbon addiction and Enviros are all too eager to tell us to invest in renewables but just don't ask them for the money. Nope, nada not a chance on that one.

So let's erect wind turbines and generate free electricity. A calming swoosh, a bit of a hum and a rumoured disorienting magnetic field doesn't sound too bad to rid ourselves of Carbon. And a few million dead bats pfffftt that's nothing.

Just thinking of all of those poor bats at the mercy of wind turbine blades gives me the willies. I may decry the loss of bats but the mosquitoes out there definitely applaud it. It gets me wondering if instead of turbine blades they substitute massive fly swatters to reduce the mosquito population.

People might actually pay to have turbines next to their homes if it keeps the mosquitoes at bay while barbecuing. Oh yeah will you take that hot dog a little warmed or thoroughly cooked because the electricity, charcoal or propane you’re cooking with has a Carbon Tax on it too.

There just is no winning here it seems.

And what about solar? Well, solar farms take up lots of space and the glare off panels; it has been described as “blinding” or like a “tanning bed” in lawsuits filed in England. And what about the loss of natural habitat upon our much maligned gophers?

I can see reports of gopher blindness and sunburns pouring in. We will have to provide every gopher with access to an automated sunscreen applicator – SPF 50 of course – plus the latest and most popular style of UV protection sunglasses. This is Gainer country and his buddies always need to look cool.

The new world of environmentalism is not anti-progress. You can pave over paradise just so long as you don't use Carbon to do it, with all apologies to Joni Mitchell.

It’s enough to get more blood to boil than the guy living down the street who runs around wearing a Calgary Stampeders jersey when it's not even laundry day. But boiling blood might actually be a good thing. For in order to afford to heat your home you will need to turn the thermostat down and run around the house in a skidoo suit. If your blood is boiling maybe you can survive a Winter or three.

Dating will change with a Carbon Tax. The most desirable catch will be the one with the highest Radiant Heat Indicator or RHI. You could marry someone with a low RHI and turn the thermostat up but the dreaded Carbon Tax is always in your head as you shiver in bed.

And what about divorce laws? Shouldn't you be able to get an immediate divorce and remarry if your significant other has a low RHI? A one year “cooling off period” has to be cruel and unusual punishment if I ever heard of one. People are going to freeze lying in bed alone for sure in that year.

It leaves me thinking where does Trudeau come from to think up this nonsense? Then I remember he’s in Ottawa and suddenly it all makes sense. That’s a distant planet for sure or at least you cannot see it from Saskatchewan. So much for the tourist slogan you can see forever from here.

So as Lizzie May rides down the Trans Canada on her electric powered bicycle and Justin stops his Tesla for another selfie Carbon will be taxed into oblivion along with Saskatchewan’s economy. A Green victory over the dreaded four letter word Carbon.

But how can Carbon be a four letter word you ask?

Simple because even mentioning carbon to farmers, businesses, the oil patch and families just trying to scrape by who wants to bet Lizze and Justin aren't met with a barrage of four letter words that will soon become synonymous with Carbon? Any takers?